I was sitting in the small wading pond, that was recently installed by either God or my landlord over the last week.. or maybe it was merely from the non-stop bible worthy rain(this IS a religious story), this morning while chain smoking and drinking coffee when I was startled by a very odd sound. It was the sound of someone or thing scampering past me in the kitchen toward my library/den/office/guest bedroom/media room/closet/sewing room/dry storge/garage/back half of my living room.
"What was that?". Lou asked as he casually stole a hit off my cigarette that was perched on it's ashtray.
"I have no idea buddy," I said as I got up to further inspect the situation, "finish that I'm gonna' look around a bit".
Lou pulled the ashtray closer to him as I went after the mysterious sound. I stepped into the next room and I noticed that my orphan's bed was empty in the guest room. Hmmm maybe it was Orphan #7 and I just didn't see her fly by.
This was possible being that this particular orphan showed up on my doorstep after an unsettleing 8 year stay on hippie island. For three months now I had been training my brain and eyes to not see her as she ran from room to room, because more often than not she thought clothing was optional. I had tried many times to explain to her, inside does not equal birthday suit but it was taking the hippie time to adjust.
"Orphan #7, is that you?" I called out.
Just like in some bad horror film I heard giggling, then the scamper again, and then I felt her pass through me. I clutched my sweater that was tied around my neck, "she passed though me, I can smell her on my cloths," I said totally grossed out to Lou who was now eating a sandwich next to me.
I started tearing through the house following the laughter and thudding of her wicked footsteps.
"Damn you filthy hippie!" I cursed into the air just as I was making on my fifth lap around the house.
I stopped in the bathroom and bent over with my hands above my knees to catch my breath when I noticed them. There on the bathroom floor laying next to each other looking up at me and, seemingly, smirking were the tapes. Not just one but both of them. I grabbed the Scotch Magic tape threw it up over my back and shouted "Dirty". Then with my other hand, that was still resting above my right knee, I reached down and grabbed the Scotch Invisible tape throwing it in the air forcing my body upright and shouted, "Hippie". She used the tape! I started screaming and spitting and rolling all over my house. That stinking hippie pulled one over on me. She used all the magic and invisible tape and is now walking all around my house, surely, clothing optional getting her hippie stink pore juice everywhere. Lou was so repulsed he ran to the toilet and yaked and hurled like a bolemic after a trip to Old Country Buffet.
I ran out front of my house grabbed the hose, turned it on full blast, and tore back into my house like Turk 182. I sprayed the couch, the walls, the beds, the books, the fabric sheets, Lou, and Orphan # 7. Slowly before my eyes an Orphan #7 stood before me, piece by piece as the tape melted away, in her birthday suit. She was scratching the sides of her thighs manically saying over and over again, "A penny saved is a penny earned..."..
And indeed it was. I went straight to the bank and deposited one United States Of America penny.
Monday, January 10, 2005
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13 comments:
Ok. First of all you have given me the idea that I've been going about cleaning my house all wrong. What I need is a hose!
Lou, I should really set Lou up with Frankie.. just an idea.
You made me laugh. Five times.
Or for short: Laughsx5.
What's up with this hippie? How long has this been going on?
I understand you've been experiencing so rain. It's all over the news.
there's more.. it'll come to me..
I'm getting better, laughsx5, good stats.
Yes the rain, it's unbelievable. Really I don't believe it.
Lou and Frankie a very romantic tale, or tail.
Hippiex4months=woowoowoowoocuckoowoowoowoowoo.
That's just me and I'm a very bitchy sort, and sport.
Hose, the only way.
Am I to understand that:
1x (hippie) x 4 (months)
+ 1x(Winky)- (happiness+peace)
___________________________
= 1 x rommate rounded to the nearest tenth?
Absolutely. Pabstolutely as they say at the bar. Oh those kids are really rolling in it. The dung I mean, and by dung I mean good times.
Flash flood warning thoughout the night.
"Hippie Stank" is my spy name for when I'm dealing with the Ruskie Red Threat. Thank goodness no one knows that but you, and now like 20 gazillion other people.
I take if from this "encoded" message that I am to "do" that "one" thing... Operation Red Bull and Vodka is on my comrade.
10-4
YGWIN, what's your twenty? Listen Red Bull has flew the coop. It's up to Harvey Wallbanger now. After dusk falls we will all meet in the trench and well... get drunk???? I may be drunk now. Good luck Hippie Stank.
I know it's not a contest, but I laughed six times. Hippies are kind of waning, i sense. they used to be so cool, now they're just dirty. i wonder what happened.
You're very kind to share cigarettes. Very kind. I remember smoking and I shared but always with a shadow on my heart. You gave freely.
I got kind of mad at Lou for making you do all the searching, though. He sat bathing and smoking your smokes while you faced the dangerous dirty girl. You must really like him.
Well, I have a friend who just moved to Los Angeles. If you see him, will you please be nice to him? He's very nervous and a little lonely, i think.
Yup' if I see him I'll tell him you send your love.
SIX TIMES??? Holy crap... I'm honored, thanks Ho.
Do I hear a 7, anyone anyone, do I hear a 7?
If you consider bedsheets stapled to the wall to the sofa a teepee, then were golden.
Wink. I'm worried. The rain is all over the news. The one guy with no pants that got rescued.. I've seen this footage about 40 times (and I've only watched the news maybe twice).
You are the funniest person I've ever met. I got your note, and will be leaving you one shortly where I will be asking you a question.
And, it isn't a contest (not yet) but in all honesty I laughed 9 or 10 times (lafsx10). I suggest that everyone be honest about the amount of times they laughed from now on, as it's embarassing going back and admitting and amending, and so on..
I'm sorry, Victoria, I guess I got a little jealous. I won't do it again. But it was very funny and always good news to see a new post.
Thank you for your honesty Victoria, and I won't hold it against any of you if you have to ammend your previous amount of laughter to a more true higher amount.
Laugh inventory, great idea! I will start it with my staff immediately. I will, however, tell them to fill it out in pencil seeing that it is been brought to my attention that first time around it's a little difficult to know how funny you think it is.
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