We're Storming Boner Hill!

Today as I was taking a frolic through my finger wonderland, and that's nothing dirty you perverts.. and I don't mean dirty in that fell down and got your knees all messed up with dirt sort of way, I was reminded of this time last year and all it's hilarity. I live in a one bedroom hut, but for the last year there have been 6 or more different squaters staying on my living room floor. Orphans I like to call them. Anyway, this one particular Orphan was my good old buddy Dave from Chicago. He rolled into LA in Novemember last year. It was one of those things where I got a phone call,
"Hey were you serious that I could stay for a while with you?".
"Sure" I replied.
"Good 'cause I'm in Iowa now, I'll be there in a day or two".
Sure enough he arrived days later in his beat up maroon Ford Escort with the jimmy rigged CD player in the tape deck. I was so excited to see where this was going to go. Another stay at home adventure. Dave was the perfect thing to ad to my collection of misfits and unwanted toys. The moment he arrived the pranks and knee slapping humor began. I was reminded today about this one particular afternoon. We were laying around my living room watching 'The Parker's', I'm sure, making fun of pretty much anything we could make fun of, sides splitting in laughter or from the slow gas leak, when somehow we got on the conversation of storming Boner Hill. As he so kindly reminded me today we were strategizing for the retaking of Boner Hill. There was a glitch though General Wang never came. As Dave so nicely put it,
"He has left us with the head of the operation Leiutenant Johnson", who just couldn't get his unit up the hill in time.
"We'll never get to the top... it's too hard". Was surely something I would have interjected with at some point.
I know somewhere in my house is the piece of paper I was writing on that day, I have an obsessive thing where I write all the things that make me laugh really hard on paper. Now I am going to go home and tear my house apart so I can further this ridiculous banter.
I think that may have been the same day we hung the sign by the front door that was shaped like a flower. On the outside of the petals it said welcome to Neverland Ranch. Then on the inside it said 'Smile or I'll fuck your children' with a drawing of a heart, a peace sign, and a cat's head underneath.

A Week Ago Today.

So there I was, sitting, waiting to board my plane in the luxurious LAX when I noticed a man conversing with the gentleman who was to take our boarding passes. He was explaining something about taking care of someone, that he wouldn't be flying with him. As he was talking my attention was diverted to a man sheepishly moving through the croud. He had a large round red nose, dark brown hair that was poorly cut like some farm boy from Nebraska who had just taken off a baseball cap. He was about five ten with a round belly under his wrinkled obviously free tee shirt, and faded blue jeans that were far too long for his strangly penguin like short legs. Under one arm clutched tightly, to his chest, he had a blue back pack. Under the other arm he held an old black and white spotted stuffed puppy dog. You could tell it was old because the fur was all matted and dirty. He leaned into the dog and whispered something as he looked up and made eye contact with me. He smiled and seemed to be giggling, but his smile was not that of a 30 or 40 something year old that he appeared to physically be. No it was more of the kindness of a 7 or 8 year old. The man talking to our boarding pass taker said, "Here he is". He then seemed to introduce the two and the guy working the gate looked to the puppy guy, "you just wait here until we're ready to board.". Then the first guy said his goodbyes and left his mentally challenged friend. I thought to myself, "hmmm I want to sit by him". This whole time I had also been keeping tabs on this awful fussy toddler whose parents were exhausted from trying to maintain her. She kept running over to this other family and trying to get in their baby carrier, when her mother or father would come after her. This act would cause her to shrill once again and collapse on the floor with her knees tucked under her stomach and her face flat on the ground nose first. I thought to myself, "I want to sit by her". It was finally time to board. My entertainment boarded and I was left to wait in the line with all of the normal day to day drab people. I was one of the last to board and as I walked down the aisle guess what was one of the only available seats left. On the left side of the aisle was the awful toddler with parents in tow. To the right side of the aisle was the dog-man sitting in the window seat with two open seats next to him. I placed my bag in the overhead and sat in the aisle seat. I thought, "Alright.". While waiting in the line to board I had picked up reading my book, so when I sat I proceeded to finish the chapter I was on. When I finished I closed my book, looked up, and smiled at the kid across the aisle... she smiled back. Her parents then looked at me, glared and, like vultres, raised their wings to sheild the child from my glance. Then I turned in the other direction and smiled at the retarded man, he smiled back then nervously turned his face toward the window and blushed. All the whilst the gay male flight attendant, or air hag, who somewhat resembled a Keebler Elf, and the sraight female flight attendant, or boeing wench, fought for the attention of the strapping Clark Kent type who sat in front of me. Then the dog-man spoke, "Are you going to Missouri?". "Why yes, yes I am," I then asked, "Are you from LA or Missouri?". He replied, "LA, well Missouri, but I live in LA now.". "Oh, what do you do in LA?" me. "I go to school." him. I thought to myself 'Wow, maybe I was wrong maybe he isn't retarded. He spoke like anyone else, he's going to school, he seemed not so challenged. But why does he need assistance on this flight, why does he seem different?'. As I was thinking all of this I turned to glance back over at him just in time to see his stuffed dog writing words into the palm of his hand with it's nose. "My dog wants to know your name?", he said. I told him my name and asked the dog, "and what might your name be?". The man then pointed at the back end of the dog. I thought is his name Butt, Old Reary, Asshole... what? Then I realized he was pointing to the color not the area, "Black?". He made a look like I was hot on the name of this dog. "Blacky?" me. "Yup'," him. "You guys are pretty close huh?". "Yup' he goes everywhere with me". "Well he seems like a nice enough fella'". "Ya' he's my best friend". I said, "Cool". Then there was some awkward silence filled with spuratic smiles at each other. Then a little more silence, and... "my name is Adam.", he said while shyly bowing his head and giggling. We then exchanged stories of our journeys. He was heading home, during his school vacation, to see his mother. She had told him she would fly him home either his birthday in October, or for Christmas. So I said to him, "Oh so you picked your birthday.". He said, "yes.". I paused. Then I asked him what he studied in school, to see if I could figure out about where his mental age was, he told me reading and writing. Then he offered, "my favorite part of school is recess". Man , I thought, that is so cool. This dude is, what seems to be from his stories of living everywhere he has for the length he has, 40-45 years old he's studying reading and writing and gets to have recess. My life really sucks. Then Blacky started fevershly writing in Adams palm, "he wants to know how your doing?", pointing to the crossword puzzle, in the complimentary Spirit magazine, I had been filling in during our awkward silences. "Blacky, would you like to help me?", I asked as I turned the magazine slightly toward the dog. Blacky stared at the page for some time while I filled in words. He said nothing, he just stared. Somewhere in my head I had convinced myself that this stuffed dog probably was going to help me, that he would know all the answers to the challenging clues I couldn't figure out. But he didn't, he just sat and stared. I looked to Blacky, "do you know any of these?". He started palm writing, Adam laughed, "he said he never got past looking at the diamonds.". He was referring to the ad that was to the left of the crossword puzzle. "I understand," I said a little disappointed, "it happens to me all of the time.".

The plane landed in the Kansas City airport, I retrieved Adams and my bags from the overhead. While walking to the baggage he told me his mother was working 'till late and that he had to wait at the airport for her. I stepped outside for a smoke, Adam headed ovet to the vomiting baggage belt. As I was smoking I looked in and saw my brother and brother-in-law headed toward me. I ran in to hug them we grabbed my bags and I surveyed the room to say goodbye to Adam. He was standing on the other side of the belt smiling and watching me. I waved to him and yelled "Merry Christmas!". He giggled, blushed, and lowered his head... Blacky started writing. "Blacky says good luck.". "Good luck to you Blacky." and I left.

I was really hoping they would be on my flight home, and I spent the whole week with this sadness. I felt bad for leaving Adam to wait alone, why didn't I stay with him? When I got on my plane to head back to LA I eagerly looked around at all of the passengers, but there was no sign of my friend and his dog. So I sat in the only available seat next to a sixty something year old couple, and proceeded to get drunk with them. A story for another time.

To Adam and Blacky wherever you may be, I wish you luck.

HOPPY BARFDAY!!!

Come one come all in Blogland U.S.A.. Today is a historical day for it was the day Winky's very dear friend Victoria was born. Happy birthday genious woman, beautiful lady, super hero, and secretary of making me laugh. May you get that tiny pony, all expenses paid vacation to Evanston, a grain of rice with your face carved in it, everything you ever dreamed of and more. I wish you the world my sweet and dear friend. I Love you, and miss you! Eat cake. Or eat my traditional cracker with whipped cream, cherry tomatoe, and a cigarette sticking out of it. But you gotta' drop that one on the ground before eating it, cake's easier. All hail Victoria, for she's the jolly good fellow which nobody can deny!

Up up and away, my beautiful baffoon.

Monday morning, 9 am the phone rings and wakes me up. Strangely it is the third time this week, this week meaning last, at 9 am a person has called to wake me up. The same person, the electrician I've hired to work on the bar. "Good morning, are we going to finish the work today?" he asked. In my finest Keith Richards morning voice I simply said "no", I explained I only had four hours left to pack and run errands before my plane to Missouri left( the plane ride is a hell of a story that I will share later, it involves a man and his dog and that spoke through him by writing words with his nose on the palm of his hand. Oh ya' the dog was stuffed). He then became very sheepish and stumbled through the question, "..did I, uh... well um.. did I happen to call you at about 2:30 this morning?". I started laughing because, indeed, he had. Two-thirty, just a couple hours prior to the conversation we were having now, the phone at the bar rang. I was finishing up my bartending duties and prepairing to face, count and paperclip all of the green when my barback hands me the phone and says,"it's a boy, oooohhhh". "Hi, hhouww aRe yeou?". I didn't recognize this drunken voice, "who are you?", I said matter of factly. "It's me Adam, are we werging tomorrwww?", I said I didn't know. "I had a realnice tiame with you yesstur...day.". He was referring to the previous day when he came in to fix our shotty wiring. I occasionally came out of the office to ask how he was, or if he wanted something to drink like a soda or juice or something, you know the fun stuff. He babbled some more nonsense about liking me, I was counting money, and at some point he either passed out or hung up. I hung the phone up and thought to myself, hmmm the electrician is calling me in the middle of the night drunk... ok.
The next morning on the phone I said, "Ya' you called last night, but don't worry... you were just asking if I wanted to finish the work today, it was harmless". He seemed relieved. After I told him we weren't finishing the work he told me to have a great Christmas, to travel safe, and to call him as soon as I got home. I agreed then hung up the phone.
I sat on my front porch drinking coffee and smoking cig's for the next couple of hours, until I had 1 hour to prepare for my trip. The gun was shot, and they are off! Winky races through the front door right past here friend Andi. Andi turns, she races past Winky and tears open the travel bag. Winky panics, oh is she going to be able to execute this, oh! She does she pulls her self together by grabbing an armfull of cloths and cramming it in the bag. Andi comes up from behind and, woah.. she's got the makeup and shower products. She turns, fakes a left, and squeezes around the right side of Winky. She shoots... SHE SCORES, right in the travel bag. The croud, meaning my cat, goes wild. Just under the buzzer Winky packs her bag.
I'm in Mo-town now at my brothers, my brother 'Sue's', computer and everyone keeps hanging around the office door making small conversation. I think they want me to not be in here, so I will tell 'The Great Airplane Story' later. Tomorrow is a very dear friends birthday.... I can't wait.

I will learn soon enough..

I was looking at the computer and I realized my tired fingers should not be typing right now. I'm putting m's where there should be n's. My I's are i's, when all along they should have been eyes. Will this horrible bar ever vomit me up from it's deep dark belly. It's like the modern day Moby Dick.

I will learn soon enough..

I was looking at the computer and I realized my tired fingers should not be typing right now. I'm putting m's where there should be n's. My I's are i's, when all along they should have been eyes. Will this horrible bar ever vomit me up from it's deep dark belly. It's like the modern day Moby Dick.

Here I sit and wait....andwait...and, ah who am I kidding.

I started work yesterday morning at 10am. You see I run a bar in the sinfully lost town of LaLa land. My bar opens at 4pm, however yesterday they were filming a commercial for that robust horse beer from St. Louis Missouri. I had to be there so theycould ask me intellegent questions like, "How would you turn this light off?", they would knock on my smoke filled office door. Then, for one brief second of time, I would get to stand up from this chair I am now one with. I would walk over to the wall behind the pool table, where all the light switch plates are coralled, I would reach for the switch and say, "Well I personally find this to be the easiest way to turn a light off". Then I would, with caution of course, turn the switch to it's off position. The room would then errupt with mind blowned "Ohs", and "Ahs". Then I would turn, with my head held high, and walk back to my stinky little ashtray I now call home. The night rolled around the shoot came to an end and I suddenly realized my bartender had not shown. See I had this small window of opportunity to escape the bar for a couple of hours and eat, change, smoke a ciggy outside and now that was all just a dream out of my grasp. I took on the job and I made cans of beer fly open just merely by shooting them the 'you better open yourself up you lazy pig' look. I was shaking 8 martini's at one time, all the whilst flirting with that cute man I think I flirted with on June 10, 7pm, 2004. I was flying with the Wallenda's. Two O'Clock finally rolled around. I grabbed my broom and started sweeping the people who had fallen, from my fermented beverages, to the ground. One last guy to sweep out the door, "see ya' later Tommy" I said in english. "Goneudder fly ind der hort beys", he replied in english. then I began to tuck my bottles away and wipe down the bar. I saw the long booth and I thought to myself, I could sit for a moment and rest.

The phone rang and I awoke, and it was now 9 in the morning. Shit I fell asleep at the bar AGAIN! It was the electrician coming to fix the wires and to hand the new chandelier. It really is a beautiful chandelier. I thought this is a 3 hour job max, I'll be home and eating and taking a shower and brushing my teeth before you know it. It is now 4:19 in the afternoon. That was 7 hours ago. I have now officially been at work for 30 hour straight. I have smoked a pack and a half in this small office over the last two days, it smells in here. The electrician went to get parts but every store he goes to fails him miserably. At one point during the day he called to tell me that he had driven from one store to the next with his wallet left on the top of his car. Then he proceeded to tell me how he had just done that two weeks ago with his new liscense plates. How he had to back track all over the city to locate his lost plates. Turns out a construction worker had found them and was going to take them home to mount in his garage for his collection. He just called and said he had finally found the parts I said, "Do me a favor... don't put the parts on the top of your car.". So here I sit and wait....and wait.....and wait.... Shit Victoria your birthday is nearing, I just thought of that. Hmmm strange.

Letter To The Editor

I'm happy to have Victoria back on my side.

To: Victoria
Pertaining To: Winky

In your latest comment you ask for the bold permission to call me Winky. I say to you Victoria, with a history like ours I would exspect that we would both feel more comfortable being on the first name basis.

Yours Truely,
The Management

Now I can safely say this looks like it may be a long trip, so maybe I packed too little. Hmmm.

I'm in Blogging Country!

Ya' I'll get back to that later.