Old Crusty Prostitute

Last week when I was bartending I felt the overwhelming boredom fall over me as the tumbleweeds came blowing through the saloon doors at the front of my establishment. Just as I was about to walk out front into oncoming traffic, seemingly my only way out, the phone rang. It was Margaret Louise, one of my very dear friends, and she informed me she was going to come down and hang out with me. Thank God I thought, that'll save that poor bus driver from having to clean me off his grill after he'd hit me. No more than five seconds after I placed down the phone some customers started walking in.

The first two were these men roughly 30 years in age who appeared to be a couple that came in atleast once or twice a week. About a week ago at the end of the night the apeish looking one started the "tab is wrong" battle. As he put it so eloquently, "you just want to fuck me". As if that were why his bill was a whole whoppin' $42.00. I laughed out loud and said, "I want to fuck you? HAH!". Then I walked over to his table and counted all the bottles and glasses, seeing as how I hadn't cleaned a table all night, then calculated it out loud in front of him and said, "now sign your fuckin' tab bozo". He did.

So the lovers were back at the bar, the mousey one said to the Ape, "she's the bartender you were fighting with last week.".
I walked over, "ya' you WERE fighting with me.".
Ape, "you were waisted though and got my tab wrong.".
Me, " No YOU were waisted and do you remember the reason you thought the tab was wrong?" He looked confused, I continued, "It's because aparently you thought I wanted to fuck you and because you were unwilling I jacked up your tab, bring back any memories sport?"
He apologized, we laughed, and we made our ammends and poof! they had whiskey again. Following in a few moments after the ape and mouse was this beat up, sad eye'd, cheap rings of black eyeliner, peroxide job, in her 40's looking woman. She sat a few stools down from the boys and ordered one four doller glass of chianti. Within a couple of minutes the whole rim of the glass was covered in impossible to remove red lip prints.
Thirty to forty minutes had passed and the Ape and the Mouse had found their way to the Wine Whench. The boys were getting sloppy on their shots of whiskey, and her with her wine(glass now completely red from lipstick even the stem), and they had started the all too popular, "I love you bartender routine". One day they hate you cause' you want to fuck them, next day they love you. Then she started...
"..you have to love the body, want to kiss it everywhere. If you have a man(she was now directing it to me) you have to kiss him from head to toe," she reached around and started patting her own rear, "even every part of this gets kissed, you know what I mean?".
The Mouse spoke up, "you mean kiss the asshole". This made him giggle.
At this point the Mouse and the Ape were what seemed to be swording it out with their little nubs in a moment of gay rage underneath the bars edge. At the same time they seemed to be flirting with Old Crusty.
My attention thankfully was taken by my off duty security guard and 2 friends coming in for drinks. Two bud lights and a Shiner boch. Then Margaret Louise enters. I was thinking in my head, as she headed to the empty stool next to Old Crusty, oooo she's in for a treat.
More customers came in so between orders I would slide back over to where the Mouse, Margaret and Old Crusty were exchanging stories, the Ape was dancing around the middle of the bar alone. At some point the Mouse squeezed in to the other side of Margaret so she was in the middle of the two, a hard sandwich to swallow. Then as they were getting more excited about whatever sordid detail they were on would take turns hovering over the bar in front of Margaret. She was just laughing at the ridiculous invasion of her space. I wasn't there for the conversation but at one point I picked up Old Crusty saying, "... you got to do it everywhere, thee kitchen table, thee bedroom, and even sometimes you go out to thee car and(she put her arms bent by where her waistline would be and started thrusting her hips slightly forward) ugh ugh... you know". She looked at me, "you are very beautiful, what is your name?".
I told her my name, she then decided to tell me she loved me and that she wanted to open her own bar, just a wine and beer joint with possible appetizers. Her and Margaret started a conversation, the Mouse was dancing, as I went to serve 2 bud lights 1 shiner boch. I headed back over to my friend in need, then asked Old Crusty, "what's your name?"
"It is Amy.". She replied, this was a familiar name to me.
At one point Margaret excused herself to the bathroom and when she returned she sat at the other end of the bar near my off duty security and friends. They were filled in on the female trouble at the end of the bar.. they decide to further the fun with Old Crusty. My security walked over and within two minutes was pissed and came back over to our end. She had started scolding him for being mexican and not speaking spanish. This for whatever reason set off Tony, my securtiys Latin American friend. Tony and OC get into it. It's now 2am and I'm kicking out strangers, and somehow Tony ends up leaving with OC.
"What's that about?" I asked.
"We convinced him to take her home," his friends start laughing.
"You know he's getting murdered tonight." I say in all sincerity, that ol' bag didn't seem so stable.
No more than 15 minutes passed when there is a banging at the back door. It was Tony and him and OC got no further than two blocks away when she tried strangling him. I laughed. We all laughed. We spent the next 30 minutes or so filling each other in on the different things she had said to all of us. It seemed through all the stories she was apparently a prostitute whom liked women not men, maybe that's why she tried killing Tony.

On saturday I was at the other bar I work at when two of my customers who frequent my shifts at both bars came in. They were laughing and excited to tell me some story. It turns out on Thursday they had come to my bar and been acosted by an old crusty mexican prostite, who said she wanted to open her own hair salon. I couldn't have been happier and can't wait to hear more reports.