My Very Own Table Party

Oh kids, these are the things Grandma Wink thinks about.

You see I have never been a, how do you say, computer wiz and quite honestly this has been my first time my snarled fingers have tickled my keyboard to dance with the other folks in this mysterious cyberland. It's true I have never chatted online, just recently was made aware of the demon I call I.M.ing. Never have I run amuck in any websites, except the brief one I had with an old comedy group... Winky likes to look at herself, narcasistic... a little.

I have always thought of myself as someone who would have conversations with people face to face. I'm a people person, hence my 9 million jobs I've had dealing with "the people". So as of lately I have found myself on numerous occasions creating faces and background history for all of you I frolic with in this here blogland. I find myself even changing the appearance of the people I know personally, the ones whom I know their background history and faces. These people I have created change day by day depending on my mood, and what people have wriiten. I even like to draw little sketches of everyone, the way I see it in my head that day, sitting at a long table laughing and smoking and drinking vodka with a computer in front of everyone.

So for today here is the way I invision my great table party.

At the head of the table is Victoria, however she doesn't sit she stands smoking a very long skinny cig. She is dressed very professionally and wears a hat over her black finger curled hair. Every minute or so she turns to Blog Ho who is sitting by her side, tilts her hat to him and says "Ma'm". Which of course he responds with standing, pulling out the sides of his tutu like a little girl, and says "sir". Ho you can tell is very experienced by the numerous tatoo's he has, all being horrifically fantastic scenes from his life. Like the one on his right forearm, it's a young Ho, deep at sea on a large ship with an unrully crew. He is standing out front of the others with a sword.. as to fight off the large sea beast that is threatening their lives. Next to Ho sits Pj Smorg, he is a giant head that is all, this one is not too far from the truth. He has enormous crazy eyes bouncing all over the place and he is jabbering on about the stock market "It's dirty dow makes me rise and fall", and so on. While this is happening You've Got What I need sits next to him in her old timey west bar dress gun slung over her shoulder with her cowgirl boots kicked up on the table. She has a jewelled eyepatch over her right eye that while Smorg carries on she keeps lifting it to him saying, "I see". Next to YGWIN sits Margaret Louise, she is very tiny, like 2 feet tall. She is a simple and pretty little one. She types, nervously looking around the table. She's on to something grand and we all know it, so we let her type. Next to her sits Thoresen Wells. He is an old man, very large, wearing a very nice vintage suit. He sits back in his large wooden chair boasting to and fro. He has a long curled pipe from which he tokes, however unlike the smell that would normally come from a pipe his presents a cloud that more resembles meat. I sit next to Wells an a stool that is far to small for me. So I look abnormally large lurching over it in my race car driver onesy. I'm balding, in that bad way where the front is missing but the back is a long scraggly thin blanket for my shoulders. I have a very pretty face though. I am smoking, not one cigarette but the whole pack which I have just ripped off the bottom and lit, surrounding myself in the most dense cloud... to the point that everyone keeps asking where I have gone. There is a mountain of pocket change next to me on my left that I keep trying to give handfulls to Vic. When she doesnt's notice, because she is lifting her hat to Ho, I just drop it on the pile that has formed next to her right foot. For some reason I assume at todays party there is a short fat horse galloping around all of us whistling the theme from the Golden Girls.

It just makes me feel a little closer to everyone. I wish I knew how to upload images, this party would be much better if it was illustrated. There's always next time.

Whatever Happened To Baby Winky?

I awoke this morning, like many mornings, fully clothed shoes and all laying on my back with my arms crossed like Dracula which incidentally is the way I thought you died as a child except your tongue would stick staight out of you mouth like a rigid slug. I also assumed when you died x's would magically appear over you eyelids.

Hold on, my bartender wants me to come out of my hole and watch the bar so he can smoke, "wah wah wah, I'm a little puss.". I need to start thrashing and whipping these people.

Ok where was I. Oh ya' waking up. I, lately, have been addicted to renting movies from the library. This round was full of old movies and 2 modern crap films. So I started out this morning grabbing my left over smokes from last night and a pot of coffee, I do mean the full pot sitting on the floor next to my couch with my mug standing like a good soilder nearby, and Easy Rider. My VCR ate that one so I moved on to the Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?. You know, I've seen this movie a million times in my life but for the first time today something dawned on me. I don't know if it's because I'm older, or if it's because I grew my hair out, or if it's because my hair is now a bleach blonde... but I realized I am kind of like Jane Hudson. I'm a complete loon. I could totally see myself, convinced I was right, serving parokeets and rats on silver platters to loved ones. Or dressing like an overgrown seven year old, prancing around my living room like I got a goddamned audience, listening to Connie Francis or some other old bit of nostalgic music from my past. I always fuck up my relationships, just like Jane, cause' I'm doing something wrong or goofy in my house and become afraid to answer the door. Then I started laughing at the poor sister in the wheel chair rolling in circles gut moanin' into the air while Jane laughed like a pirate in heat in her lush bedroom AHAHAHAHAHAH. Crazy! Strangly I physically resemble the crazy old bat as well... big bulgy crazy eyes, wild long blonde hair, grunting and moaning all over the place desperately grabbing at empty bottles of booze so I have something to drink while I cry over a pile of old photos and scrapbooks. Weeping rivers of mascara on the floors, the walls, the bottom of the fridge, Lou the cat.

I finally came to the conclusion that my aging process is not going to be pretty or graceful. It will be more that of a sand sculpture crumbling over time, or a piece of forgotten fruit, a wax lady. People will whisper when I walk by "Whatever happened to baby Winky?".

Head Poop!

Yup' it is definately Valentines Day. As I was walking to work today I was suddenly blasted by a hot gooey substance globbing all down my head into my eyes nearing my mouth which of course made me start spitting and cussing all over the place. I threw my head back and stared hard to find the little feathered bastard who annointed me, and there staring back at me, fluttering his precious lil' asshole wings, was none other than that creep cupid. Cupid took a dump on my head! He's a gross little turd. Watch out people old Jerko is serious this year.

Another Day In The Park

I'm pretty certain while sitting in the park yesterday writing, an activity full of whimsy, a big white duck was flirting with me. I could see him out of the corner of my eye as he, watching me, slowly stutted his way toward me. Now thinking he was like all the other ducks I didn't want to make any sudden moves, like looking up, and scare him. He got to be about 1 foot in front of me, I still had my head down pretending to write up a storm, as he leaned in under my face and looked me dead in the eye.

"Quack" he said.
"Oh hi" I blushed and put my head down and pretended I was busy.

I was nervous. He backed away a step and turned and walked over to the pack of mismatched ducks across the sidewalk from myself. He started talking to them all then looked over his shoulder and gestured toward me. They all started laughing and talking amongst themselves. I tried but I just couldn't make out what they were saying. Then the one I said hi to barked loudly to me and when I looked up again they had all stood in a straight line facing away from me. My duck quacked three times and they turned their heads around over their backs and stared right at me as they all started shaking their tail feathers. I couldn't believe him, what a crazy bastard. I laughed, kinda' lowered my head, and smiled innocently while looking softly at him from under my brow. All his duck friends exploded in quacking and nudged him with their beaks in my direction. He strutted back over to me..

"Quack?" he asked. He was strong.
"Winky", I then asked "What's your name?".
"Quack" he replied.
"That's a real nice name" me.
"Quack" him.
I laughed, "thank you".
"Quack" he asked and lifted a wing.
"I guess, sure". I folded my notebook over and tucked the pen away and stood.

He moved his wing around me and and rested the tip on my right hip, he of course was on the left and we walked around the lake slowly. We talked and laughed, it was a real nice afternoon.

When he climbed abruptly out of my bed later that night and hurried to the front door he quacked and said he'd call me today. I sat by the phone all morining and late into the afternoon, no call. I was starting to get pissed and was terribly confused. It seemed like he liked me I decided to go to the park to find him.

When I arrived to where I first layed eyes on him there was no sign of him or his guy friends. Instead there was just this group of big butted female ducks huddled up quacking under their breath to each other looking over at me giving me the eye. I just turned around and went home to get ready for work.

I'm at work now in my office just daydreaming that when I walk out to bartend he'll be here. He was flirting right? Was I just some cheap piece of human flesh for him? Am I going to lay an egg now? I'm so stupid, he doesn't care about me. Next time I see him he'll act all cool and say something smooth like, "Quack". I'll foolishly melt, next thing you know badda-bing we're back at my place and I'm watching him run from my bed. Not me, not this time! When I see him next I won't even look in his direction. And when he talks to me I'll say, "Do I know you?", then laugh with all my friends and walk away. I don't know maybe I shouldn't be drinking so much before I go to the park.