I know I should be writing but.......

There really is no good reason as to why I haven't written in so long. I could blame it on the German for visiting this summer or the man I fell for in the last part of the German invasion or the fact that the second it was official I was someones girlfriend I got so sick I ended up in the hospital or that one of my pill poppin' outta work friends is constantly in a fit of tears convinced my new boyfriend is a junkie or the fact that my new boyfriend has moved into my house because the man who escaped from Mexico after killing a man who lived with him held him at gunpoint for several hours or the fact that I got ringworm form trying to help a homeless person with a very strange rash or the fact that my friend whom I am the godmother of her child calls daily with a new speech about how selffish I am because I don't call every holiday, occaion, affair, or day at that matter(I'm sure I'm worthless now because I didn't extend my warmest gratitude to them for Columbus day) or maybe I haven't written because everyone keeps harping on me to be more creative "paint something", "sew a puppet", "write something", "Why aren't you doing comedy" throwing a million mediums my way saying things like "the proof is in the pudding", well shit I can't make pudding when my recipe is all screwed up I'm just making brown soup here, or maybe it's because my ex just got married and all anyone wants to do is talk to me about how upset I must truely be when the fact of the matter is I'm too selffish to give a flying hootenanny. Or maybe it's because my best friend spent a good chunk of the summer here from Germany and I realized in her visit I've been hiding from myself for a long time now, or maybe it's because I met this guy who has completely swept me off my feet and was so great to me when I was so sick I wasn't sure if I was going to make it or maybe it's really hard for me to get my fingers around why it bothers me so much that my good friends see my boyfriend as yet another potetial heartbreak for me because all signs point to him being a fucking wreck and it scares the shit out of me, because I do love him or it could be the fact that my boyfriends friends don't believe that this escaped hoodlum form Mexico is doing anything wrong and now my man has lost jobs, friends, his home and car because of it.. and having ringworm most of the summer surely could effect a person because it's really gross or maybe when I forgot my god childs birthday it really made me realize how self absorbed I can become and this little sweet baby is the one who suffers from my lack of priorities then again it could simply be the fact that I am not being myself and I am not doing anything creative and I am just droning on and on and on doing anything I can to keep myself from doing what it is I actually want to do, when you fear yourself there is nowhere to go but down, or maybe it's simply put I was really affected by my ex getting married and not affected by the reasons you would think it's just a whole sleuth of emotions and the things that were said to me during all of my confusion with it didn't make me feel any better about the situation. I am a 29 year old female living in Los Angeles. I finacially support my mother, boyfriend and myself. I try and take on everyones problems but in return I realize I'm not a camel and I do things, go out of my way, to fuck shit up. I'm really tired of being a bartender and know damn well I am the only person who can get myself out of this sitution. My boyfriend has been asleep for 37 hours straight, I don't know exactly what to make of that... I guess he's tired and I guess I'm stir crazy. Bottom line, I will start writing again but until I get some things straight with me there all going to turn out like this so maybe I will take some more time before I attempt to write anything else.