The Men I've Loved

I was just sitting in my bathroom and I heard a boy yell, "Michael Jackson... come out" as if he were trying to beckon MJ out from the apartment complex next door. This made me laugh and realize, shit ain't the same as it was when I was a kid. I mean, for the love of God, I had a crush on that wealthy kid lovin' lunatic in gradeschool. I had a pin for my jacket with him all dolled up in a fuzzy yellow sweater vest with a white pollo underneath lookin' all tasty and chocolatey brown(this was, of course, before his magician like performance of turning white which still has me baffled). Then I started thinking about the evolution of my crushes on famous people, and when I started having crushes.

It all started roughly around the age of four. The first and probably the most memorable crush was, the one and only, King Kong. Yes, that giant ape stole my heart. I told everyone I could think of, "I'm going to marry King Kong". I loved how he held Fay Wray in his hand as he climbed the building. He loved her, and I loved him. Isn't that just the shit in the pot. My mom would try and explain that I couldn't marry Kingy, that he was an enormous ape and it would never work out. Everyone else would just laugh in my face, so when it came to my next crush I tried to keep a lower profile about it. Which didn't work because every time I saw Burt Reynolds climb out of his car in Cannonballrun I would start blushing and sighing with hearts jumping out of my eyes. Then I would scramble and try to get out of the room before my brother would say, "ooooowwww Winky's got a crush on Burt Reynolds". Which would send me into an explosive fit of tears and I would scream as I ran out of the room, "no I don't, I DON'T!". Oh but I did. I would draw endless amounts of pictures of Burt and I galloping around on unicorns, or Burt and I having dinner at McDonalds, or Burt and I on our wedding day. As quick as it came it faded away due to my sudden atraction to collecting boyfriends at Blackburn Elementary. It was cool when I'd tell a fellow first or second grader(this faze lasted a couple of years), "ya' you can be my boyfriend but so is Matt, Shawn, Ben, Joe, and Brian so I guess I'm six timin' you guys now.". I was always pretty to the point and honest about it all. The boyfriends would gather on the playground and make plans as to who gets to sit next to me on what days at lunch and so on. When I was a captain in kickball that was a very crucial moment because obviously my picking order would decifur my pecking order.

Then Pee Wee's Playhouse come around on the old boob tube. Then his Big Adventure. I was smitten. He was brilliant and so cute. I didn't want anyone to know so I told everyone I was Pee Wee's long lost sister, that would detour them from knowing I secretly wrote in all my folders, Mrs. Pee Wee Herman. However my big brother, the snoop, found out the truth and told everyone which I rebuttled and said, "no I AM HIS LONG LOST SISTER, HE'S LYING!!!". To prove myself, while sitting in the gymnasium at the long fold out picnic tables for lunch, I came up with a plan. I announced that I was Pee Wee's sister and just so everyone knew I was clear on this I would get on the stage and do the Pee Wee dance. Then I removed myself from the table with my buddy Allisa and walked over to Mr. Meyers our principal, who stood like a prison guard along the wall next to the stage, and asked if it would be alright if I did a little performance. He thought that would be ok so I walked up the stairs to my place on the stage, of course after I walked over to our goofy janitor and whispered in his ear to borrow his shoes(which were not platforms but rather an adult sized Hush Puppy). Allisa stood in front of our seated class and began conducting the music.

"Da dun dun na dun na na na....." the class bellowed out as I reinacted the entire bar scene from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. I even jumped off the stage at one point and climbed up on the picnic tables walking down them on my toes picking up milk cartons and lunch trays raising them up over my head then throwing them to the ground. "Tequilla!" everyone started cheering and slinging their arms around me having a hell of a time. The lunch bell rang it was time for recess. I employed my boyfriends as my body guards, all nine of them, because I knew recess was going to get a little hairy after a performance like that. Sure enough the whole class mustered up an army of immagination and as I walked toward the big glass doors leading to the playground I could see my entire class pushing to be the first at the door for when I exited. Waving whatevr object they wanted autographed into the air with pens and markers in their other hands. My boyfriends puffed up and made a circle around me, and we all walked through the door. There was screaming and shoving and and my boyfriend circle got knocked to and fro but they didn't break I was fully protected except for an occasional arm, squeezing through to grab at my clothing hair or person. I signed and signed my name over and over again, Winky Wee Herman, until I became exhausted in all of my fame and drama and collapsed to the ground. My fans screamed in horror as my boyfriends yelled, "back up... clear a path.", as they lifted me and carried me over to the log playground equiptment that sorta' resembled a ship with tire swings and chairs hanging all over it. I rested then we all went and played dimensions the game my friend Andi and I made up, and that was that... I was Pee Wee's long lost sister.

Then Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, apparently I have a thing for men with adventures. Mr. Keanu Reeves and Mrs. Keanu Reeves would like to cordially invite you and all of your pets to our wedding in the meadow by the creek in the back of the Johnson's berry farm, my gal pal and I would giggle as we passed our invitations to each other. Then we would pretend to drive, the couch, to McDonalds to buy something like 632 cheeseburgers and then have to write a check that we made out of notebook paper and sign them. Me... Mrs. Keanu Reeves, Allisa... Mrs. Tom Cruise. Then we'd sit on the front stoop talking about all the famous dinner parties we had to go to, and all the normal famous person gossip.
"Did you hear that Corey Haim and Kirk Cameron both kept flirting with me at George Lucas's party.... Keanu was sooo mad we had to go home." me.

"Oh my gosh, ya' I was talking to Jo from The Facts of Life and she said Keanu has been calling her." Allisa.

That wasn't true and I made sure she never said anything about it again.

Then I became a nerd and I had no friends, well Nani and Brenna were always nice to me but no real friends. I didn't even have the ability to write a check for the McDonalds in my mind. All I had was my scrap book with all the magazine cutouts from my short lived cool life all glued in there mocking what I had become. King Kong, Burt Reynolds, Pee Wee, and Keanu never knew. They didn't love me and the reality set in. Still, I sometimes like to pretend they did love me and they occasionally pull out an old photo of me and have a tender moment remembering all the fun we had.