Excuse me while I play Bridget Jones....

Ok the fact that I even want to reference a side of my personality, that I hide like the most precious possesion I have, my softer crappy movie/book loving side.. is already a tell tale sign that you may want to turn back now. Abort the mission. I am a little shocked at myself right now. Not only but a few moments ago did I do something that brougt to light such a side of me that even I want to get the hell away from myself. Im not even sure I can unravel this one, and it's me I'm dealing with. What's the one thing I thought would never cause me to act like so many women I have watched and been confused by in my life? Men, what else. I don't have a problem with men or atleast I didn't think I did. Nor did I ever think that a problem I had with men would compell me to write the thoughts down. Aghhhhh, what's happening to me. When did my writing become a therapy session, when did I want to stop writing about mo-ped rides with boxes on my head, or sauerkraut martini's? Dang!

Ok something is happening to me. I jumped on the computer when I came home and went to check my My Space account. My Space something I have laughed at about myself numerous times, and I don't even run the thing my drunken friends figured out my password and have been goggly eyed adjusting it for months now. Anyway, I saw that my boyfriend had apparently set up an account because the "remember my id" thing was checked and his email address was in the sign in box. So I searched his email address to make him my My Space friend, so we could laugh together. But when I got to his page I requested his friendship and read his profile which said he was single. I should have stopped and thought but instead I walked straight into the bedroom where he was sleeping still from the prior day and said, "why did you set up a my space account saying you were single?". He, rightfully so, responded "What are you stupid?". Which I don't think I have been terribly stupid up to this point, but I gotta' question things now. In one split psychotic reation I realized a big something about myself. I think I have become insecure. This did happen once before and I swore it wouldn't happen again and that it would only cause greater problems for myself and others by being so. So then I started trying to remember why it is that had happened in the past. It was a long time ago but what I can remember is that I had this amazing relationship, and all was well, I was doing comedy and making art and creating and thinking at a rapid pace, all day every day for one day only. My man at the time was in school making movies and music and we were both going, going like rocket ships in the night. Then out of no where my creative process stopped, I became domesticated I was afraid to hang out with friends because my boyfriend was upset that we never saw each other. All aspects of our lives seemed to come to stand still. I started assuming things, he started ignoring me, and before you knew it I was cheating on him with a clown from the circus. Here's where I'm going with this...

I don't think under any circumstance in a relationship that anything is just one persons fault or another. By certain actions and behaviors of your lovers you can be triggered into all kinds of unknown territory. For now, though, I'm going to unravel my own... the men of my heart they can think for themselves. My relationship has been shakey for the last 5 months. Not due to lack of love or anything like that due to unforseen circumstances(there is a lack of love but not the love you feel in your heart) . I realized today I may be really selffish, AND I'm always trying to curb my stubborness. I think out of a protective nature people naturally want to find all the things that their ex lovers did that pissed them off and hurt them to resolve why they are acting the way they are acting. I don't necessarily want to do that, but I think I do. I am at fault as much or more of that than' the man. Today he kept repeating that I was stupid, and told me I had asked him if he was seeing someone else more that one time in the past. I don't think things are so healty around here right now. That really freaked me out. I have always said if a lover of yours repeats themself on a jealousy issue more than once it's because they are feeling it themselves. I think that about any issue really. Which makes me really have to sit down and think am I happy, do I want to see other people, am I the one that is keeping this relationship from moving on any further. Do I have secret boys on the side that I'm not telling my lover about. No lovers on the side but I'm definately not happy. I love this man and want to be happy with him and have told him the same... but you boys have got to start including your lovers in more that hi and byes throughout the house. And if your not going to include them in your life than atleast give them some memorable sexual daily activities so they don't even have the time to think about the problems, I try and do the same. I am sure this is something new and unsettling in my own world but I do think a little kiss and some tender love go a real long way.

Here is the other thing I was thinking, should I just leave this man because obviously I am really confused at the state of affairs surrounding me. Or is that yet another really selffish thought again. I do think he loves me, but at this point in my head I do think he could be happier with someone else... [Back to what I said earlier I'm saying things about someone else I should evaluate if it's my own thoughts] then again we are pretty awesome together when things are good. But if I were to try and leave him it would only be because I can't figure out if the good is better than the bad or vice versa. I'm not keeping this post from him and I'm sure he'll read it and I'm sure as the sun comes up in the morning what ever needs to be needs to be, but I get proved wrong every minute of the day.

Bottom line is, I'm not creating anything except bad right now. My creativity is at a complete dead, an all time low, and I'm scared. I see things in my head, I write comedy for other comedians all the time, I can see what I want to do... but I got nothing. If you don't have yourself, you have nothing. I'm turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I'm crap! I'll come back I'm sure, I always do... I'm just a bit concerned with these new thingy's around me. Am I one of those creepy people who thinks there not affected by things, but are????? Ahhhh suck an egg! 30+Me=ok, must quit smoking, but I love writing and smoking together... SHIT!